I Just Peed a Little - Humorous and Overly Hydrated

One of my Shorties

2008-01-31T13:10:00.000-08:00

When last I left you...I was holding a hospital gown over my cooch and counting my organs. It seems every one has been accounted for. Game on.

Today has been royally uneventful. Here is the very short list of today's "accomplishments":

-Lost monthly metro card (for the 3rd time in 2008. That is some kind of record.)
-Paid rent at slumlord's office (He's got an office. I don't have a fire escape but he's got a nice office. I hope he isn't burned by mistake.)
-Tackled challenging Evite
(Also some various TV Production bullshit that I'm not proud of)

I've been trying to think of the best way to lay this next thing on you. Do you believe in God? This may be one of his gifts. I found the photo below next to a mousetrap in one of my kitchen cabinets when I moved in. I urge you to click on the photo to reeeally see what we're dealing with here.

Blossom's rejected older sister

That led to several days of looking at this....

I really don't think "opinionation" is a word. I once met a guy whose best friend married Kimmie Gibbler and that's all he could talk about. Which if you recall...was Kimmie's problem too. Mouth diarrhea. I wonder if Jenna Von Oy's bestie won't shut up about their friendship. Do you know Pat Camden? Do you....? Do you!!!

This SUNDAY February 3rd I'll be performing at Caroline's On Broadway

(I realize it's the Superbowl....)
Along with Jason Scarlatti and bro-sis musical comedy duo Al & Patty
10:00 PM
1626 Broadway (between 49th and 50th)
Reservations: 212-757-4100

A blog that is both medically and sexually frightening. With jokes here and there.

2008-01-09T20:25:00.001-08:00

That might be the best title I've had so far. Beat that Jay!! After an extended hiatus... look who is back writing blogs?! This girl!

It has been a while since I last typed my biographical log onto my too-expensive-for-a-freelancer's-sporatic-income computer but believe me, I'm busy!!! How busy? Well it's been an action-packed few weeks. Let me give you the bullet points and you can decide if you want to read further.

- I was the featured "joke of the week" in Time Out NY

- I discovered PINKBERRY

- I almost lost crucial organs by way of crazy mishap during surgery on my lady parts

Shall we start with the funny? Or the funny on purpose... This sort of explains itself.

Guard your titties

I did wind of hiding it from co-worker types that didn't know about my "secret life" and whom I did not want to grope their tits... while at the same time still papering it all over the bathroom and kitchenette. I am in print damnit!!! This doesn't happen everyday. If I had my shit together...I might have sent a blog out last week when this was still on the newsstands. TimeOut comes out on Wednesdays so if you hit up a stand tomorrow you might still get last week's but you also might not. Ooops.

Continuing with comedy related shizz (I realize this wasn't one of the bullet points, go with me anyhow). My buddy and fellow Monday night show producer Gloria Bigelow hosts a segment called U-People which can be viewed on afterellen.com or you can just watch it here in my blog. I tell a "U-People" story. I come up almost right away after the ladies chat for a bit.

I moved recently and completely by coincidence (I did not plan my real estate around this delicious treat although if I had it to do over again...I might have.) I landed smack dab in PINKBERRY-land. Now, clearly I am late to the party on this one but I had never had PINKBERRY before this Saturday. With its non-dairy, non-carb, non fat, chemical-crack goodness but now that I have, I AM HOOKED! Holy Shitballs this crap is good!

How do you do it Pinkberry...HOW DO YOU DO IT?

Leading up to my surgery yesterday I had PINKBERRY two days in a row. Once for breakfast. There was fruit on it. Don't judge me, possible death was looming.

Don't read ahead...I lived through the surgery but it was an event. I couldn't eat or drink anything the night before which just made me nervous. I'm not even talking about alcohol, another liquid staple in my life. No, I'm talking about good old H2O. Here's some unnecessary information about about me, I am constantly drinking water. I'm like that little girl in SIGNS.

Gulp gulp. One day I'll be in a much better movie with Steve Carell.

Much like little Abby Breslin in SIGNS...I am convinced that my compulsive water drinking and lack of dish washing will somehow save me when zombies attack.

Anyhoo...cut to my surgery day. I showed up dehydrated and hungry, ready to have things scraped off my ovaries. The hospital protocol is very strange. They constantly quiz you as to why you're there and what you're having done. No doubt so they don't fuck up. All this quizzing is done by different people which just makes you feel like no one is communicating. Not the feeling you want just before you go get cut open by strangers. Eventually I got kind of pissy and was pretty much screaming by my 6th inquisition "Why don't you check the god damned schedule? I'm here to relax! I took a day off of work for Christ's sake!" Just when I had stood my ground, confident that they knew very well why I was there...a young intern approached me and blew that theory out of the water. This is a transcript of our frightening conversation.

Young Intern: Miss Dubie

ME: It's Mrs. (I don't know why I said this)

Young Intern: I'm sorry

ME: It's ok. I forgive you

Young Intern: So, you're here for a hysterectomy?

ME: NO!!!!, No, I am not!!!

Young Intern: Oh, ok. I thought that's what was on the board.

ME: If I leave here without a uterus. WE HAVE A PROBLEM!

In other words...uterus' will roll! After young intern went to go check the dry erase board. A dry erase board much like the ones you would hang outside your door in college that used to read things like..."I'm napping!" Which would later be altered to read..."I'm a whore who's napping" by the time you woke up. At this point I felt mistakes were imminent if they were making medical decisions by way of dry erase board. This lead to a mini/massive panic attack. But then I talked myself down off the ledge...then they put me under...then I woke up and checked for my uterus...Then I ate a blueberry muffin.

Blueberry Muffin-baby

I believe all my ladyparts are still in there. Perhaps I should go try and get knocked up and see for sure. Wait...like every good lesbian, I am now on "the pill." I honestly don't know what has happened here. And I've never been happier that my mom doesn't use computers.

Shows this week!! I've got em. Get a pen.

Thursday, my bestie Danny Leary returns after his own hiatus of sorts (he too got his uterus removed for christmas!!)

Thursday January 17th

9:30 PM

"On The Rocks" w/Danny Leary

The Duplex Cabaret Theatre

61 Christopher St.

$10 + 2 drinks

Purchase Tickets Online

Reservations: 212-255-5438

Friday January 18th

Comix

6:00 PM

353 W. 14th St. (and 9th Ave.)

$10 Tix if you Purchase Tickets Online

Reservations: 212-524-2500

Monday January 21st

8:00 PM

"Dykes On Mics"

RubyFruit Bar & Grill

531 Hudson St. (between W. 10th and Charles)

FREE

Leah Loves YOU

Certainly the longest Blog I've ever Blogged

2007-11-27T09:04:00.001-08:00

In the spirit of following through with things...I'm going to actually do what I said I would do and blog about last weekend's trip to Gay Mountain with Jackie Monahan.

Last Friday, with mix tapes in our pockets and hope in our hearts...Jackie and Anne (Mrs. Jackie) and I piled into my car and after a mere 2 hours, found our way out of this blessed city.

Jackie Monahan...fur lover.

We made our way to the Poconos, eating balance bars and talking about Kate Clinton and Lisa Kaplan the entire way. I'm kidding. Sort of. You'd be surprised how often Kate Clinton and Kappy find their way into the conversation when Jackie is around.

"Talk Kappy to me."

With yours truly behind the wheel, Anne navigating and Jackie obsessing over the Scissor Sisters (not lesbians), we were well on our way but had to make a pit stop here:

Now, I've been to many rest stops in my life but this one was just amazing. Complete with movie theater and "Chinese Massage." And because Jackie and I are 10 years old collectively we immediately start freaking out that there is chinese massage at a truck stop. Apparently to the common truck stop employee, we don't come across the kind of girls who receive "chinese massage" but rather are the kind of girls who GIVE "chinese massage." Because shortly after our gigglefit ended...a mysterious Asian woman and her pimp appeared out of the shadows of the coin laundromat and informed us that they needed "American girls" at the Poconos "Travel Center" Chinese Massage. The woman proceeds to hug Jackie. Jackie, never one to turn down a hug...allowed this dirty, diseased hug to happen. Later, Jackie took a Leah enforced full body Purell bath in the car. After embracing Jackie, Our Chinese madam then tried to shake my hand at which point I made some sort of grunting noise, flailing my body parts in a way that might communicate "Oh...I don't touch people for money, even if it is minimum wage."

Road Trip MVP

Eventually we did arrive at the "resort" in one piece. Here is a quick breakdown of the events leading up to the show that night:

-We check in. There is a 5 rainbow flag per room mandate. Fewer than expected. Self hate rains over everyone in the travel party including my "date," Jackie's mom.

-We move our suitcases into our rooms which are overrun by ladybugs. Notice spermicide next to holy bible.

-We eat a free dinner consisting of either overcooked chicken or overcooked salmon both with some sort of Velveeta cheese sauce. I am feeling good about being a snob.

-We consider an escape. I miss pretty people.

Eventually the show starts. Jackie and I each do a half hour. Jackie goes first. Leads with rape jokes. Old lesbians cross and uncross their arms. Jackie is a pro and somehow gets these angry bitties to laugh at her jokes. She had to show a boob though. Whatever it takes. I am next...it's difficult but I make the quick realization that the only jokes they like have to do with old lesbian stereotypes. I rattle off as many jokes I can about cats, food co-ops, Melissa Etheridge and making your own soap. Suddenly, they are into me.

Show ends and there is a giant dance floor that is left completely empty. Lesbians sit in folding chairs and judge as Jackie does some sort of strip tease against a wooden pillar in the middle of the floor.

It was a fun night. Karaoke was performed and a man in track shorts showed us his penis. All of our needs were met.

Originally we had big plans to stay the entire weekend (don't ever do this sight unseen) but all that changed after this event. At 1:00 in the afternoon the day after our show...the resort hosted a lesbian "Newlywed Game." Jackie and I decide it would be hilarious if we competed...as a couple. Now, everyone saw us perform the night before...everyone knows we are not a couple, or so we thought.

The game was set up like the Newlywed game of old where one of us would have to leave the room while your "partner" (literally here) wrote down the answers to some gay themed question. We cheated our asses off but in hilarious fashion (according to us). And because we didn't want to get a gang of angry dykes with hangovers mad at us we threw the game so we wouldn't win. The problem was...These women were buying everything we were selling. Asking follow up questions to clearly made up situations. Here are some examples:

Question - What is the first thing you remove when you are in bed with your partner?

Our answer - a homemade Chastity Belt

Follow up questions from the peanut gallery: "Do you wear that over your pants? Who has the key? It's homemade...what is it made out of?" It's made out of a collection of your stupidity!

Here's another...

Question - What color underwear is your partner wearing right now?

Our answer - Clear

Follow up questions: "Are they plastic? Will they melt? Are you incontinent?"

The "best" part was when I had to leave the room so Jackie could answer her questions. I went outside with 5 other ladies and they're sitting around talking about their morning which mostly consisted of going to flea markets and scowling at people when one older lady (who I was totally prepared to like because she had been with her woman for 25 years and I think that's awesome but after this I realized that they are just together because the only thing they choose to like is each other) says to her buddy "Did you see the comedians last night?" Her buddy replies..."Yeah, they weren't very good. And I would have rathered they went on longer."

I don't know about you but I don't generally like to see MORE of things I don't like. But that's just me...

There were some wonderful people at this gig...one of which was a girl who requested "Push It" (cause I do a Salt -N- Pepa joke...read the blog if you're confused) for me after the show. Very sweet. We were pals. After this comedy show back and forth began I turned to her and said..."Am I invisible? Is this hooded sweatshirt acting as a diguise" At which point the original questioning lesbian turned to me and we had this lovely exchange....

Angry Lesbian: What, you liked them?

Leah: I am one of them!

Angry Lesbian: Oh, sorry. I don't usually laugh at stuff.

Leah: Then how is that my fault?

Angry Lesbian: You look different. I thought you had big muscles last night but you don't look very muscular right now.

Leah: Well I'm glad your opinion of my comedy has everything to do with my material. Excuse me, I've got a newlywed game to destroy!!

25 years of not laughing at stuff...together.

In the spirit of not having an audience full of frowners who love cats and make their own soap...hooray stereotypes!!! Come down to my show Tonight at 8 PM at The Sage.

There are only two Smokin Comedy Joints left before a brief winter hiatus.

Tonight...these funny makers:

Adam Sank

Brian McGuinness

Patrick Camden

John F. O'Donnell

And...This Saturday I'm performing in this terrific show at Comix. All the details are on the well crafted Danny Leary flier.

Leah loves you

Lady Gays seem to hate me

2007-11-18T20:29:00.000-08:00

We're heading into a big pre-thanksgiving comedy week so I don't want to get you too full on blogs so I'll just briefly touch upon the big doings this week. But, fear not...hilarious lengthy blog-reading is in your future! Complete with tales from a road gig with Jackie Monahan to a gay mountain resort where we offended an entire group of angry, older, country-type lesbians with material about rape fantasies. If there was ever a group less likely to be raped...it's that bunch. Loosen up ladies. Consequently, I may no longer be welcome at WNBA games.

Tomorrow we plan on offending New York City Lesbians at our weekly show at RubyFruit

"Dykes On Mics" (Gloria, Leah, Jackie, Amy)

Monday November 19th

8PM

RubyFruit Bar and Grill

531 Hudson St. (between W. 10th and Charles)

FREE

This week - Robin Gelfenbien, Robert Keller, Patricia Villetto and Jessimae Peluso

This Tuesday is show #2 of Leah Dubie's Smokin Comedy Joint.

Show #1 kicked off with this masterpiece:

This week...

Amy Beckerman

Brad Loekle

Danny Leary

Gloria Bigelow

Sara Benicassa

And Our Band - "Toe In The Water"

Leah Dubie's Smoking Comedy Joint

This Tuesday November 20th

8 PM

The Sage Theater

711 7th Ave. (btwn 47th and 48th)

$10

Located between two gift shops and across from the Renaissance Hotel

Here is a snippet of our time at the gay mountain resort. Jackie and I are posing with a man who wore track shorts to a bar in November. This trip was bizarre from start to finish.

Bare Legged FUN!!

Hope to see you this week,

Leah

BIG SHOW DEBUT TONIGHT

2007-11-05T20:48:00.000-08:00

Well it's about that time...

Leah Dubie's Smokin' Comedy Joint is wild on Times Square TONIGHT.

Here are details -

Leah Dubie's Smokin' Comedy Joint

TONIGHT

8 PM

The Sage Theater

711 7th Avenue (between 47th and 48th)

Located between two gift shops and across from the Renaissance Hotel.

With

Patrick Camden

The Robingelfenband

Jackie Monahan

Jason Scarlatti

Danny Leary

Becky Donohue

and Ben Lerman with a giant singing cheeseburger

Because of this show, business...I have not been able to do much else. You know who suffers? My loved ones...My fitness level and My blog. Watch as I mail this blog in.

There are things happening...I just don't have time to go into great detail about those things so...like a last minute term paper, I'm going to recycle an email I wrote my family last Monday morning. It's regarding a show I had done the night before at Barracuda...which was awesome.

This is the email -

Date: Oct. 29, 2007

From: leah.dubie@gmail.com
Subject: Leah is gaining celebrity friends

Hey Guys,

So I've been busting my tail at this comedy game and it seems to be paying off. In laughs, not cold hard cash. I had this incredible show last night. I had so much fun on stage that I wanted to put a bed there and stay forever. AND...Sara Ramirez (Dr. Callie O'Mally, sexy Latina) from Grey's Anatomy was in the audience. I didn't know this while performing but once I found out I somehow weasled my way into being introduced to her and this is how our conversation went -

Sara Ramirez: "Great job. You were really funny."

Leah Dubie: "I am a fan of your work as well."

I am a giant tool. After that my comedy pals (and Sara Ramirez) went to a second location (because I am now an A-lister) to hang out some more. At which time I sent Marin a frantic text reading -

"I killed tonight. Callie O'Malley was in the audience. We're going to go hang out and get to know each other better. No I'm not kidding. Get here!"

At that point Marin sprinted from Brooklyn to Chelsea and casually sauntered in wearing her pajamas.

This is how the rest of the night went - I made this grand introduction "Everyone, my girlfriend has arrived!".......Sara Ramirez asked Marin if she wanted to put her coat on the back of her chair (code for, let's have dinner together. You and your girlfriend are lovely)...we drank beer, some other things happened....then when Sara Ramirez had to leave, she came over to us (Marin and I had fanned off because we're just that cool) to return Marin's jacket (I checked the pocket for a phone number) and we had this exchange:

Sara Ramirez: "I have to leave. It was nice to meet you. Thank you for your talents."

Leah Dubie: "Thank you for YOUR talents."

Again, a complete tool. It was a really cool night though and I wanted to share it with all of you. If I knew how to send multiple text messages I might have even invited you out last night.

-Leah

THE TALENT THANKER....AND HER NEW BEST FRIENDS

COME TO THE SHOW!!!!

please....

LEAH PUT THE PEN DOWN!!!

2007-10-24T20:18:00.000-07:00

Who are we? How does our personality develop? Why were we forced to make weekly trips to purchase lumber with one or both of their parents when we were 12? Questions to contemplate when looking inward and going to girlfriend enforced meditation classes.

Growing up I was constantly writing my mom letters pertaining to conversations and arguments that had happened moments earlier. I would have them "delivered" by my little sister and I'm almost positive I forced her to sign for them. I'm sure my mom thought she had raised a stenographer. A tattletale stenographer with a major Napoleon complex. Here is one letter from the archives. I hope you enjoy it. It has made my mom and sister howl with laughter on many occasions. On the same occasions I find myself horrified at the person I used to be while simultaneously wishing I could write them all a letter detailing these thoughts. Often we take this letter (or one similar. They all sound alike) out and pass it around the Thanksgiving dinner table...drawing straws for who gets to perform it. Again...a horrified Leah searches for a writing utensil.

Let me set the stage a bit...at the time of this dramatic memorandum, I had been fighting with one or more of my family members so much so that my mom took drastic measures and grounded me from attending the N.K.O.T.B. concert. Yes, that's quite a time stamp. Not the "New Kids On The Block" concert...nope, this was at the end of their run when "Step by Step" was "hangin' tough" on the pop charts by the skin of their rat tails.

12 year old Leah...a friggin annoying mess

Ok first of all...you should know that it pains me to see this many spelling errors in one place. And I won't even start with the syntax shitstorm. I mean, just disgusting. Secondly, the desperation that was exhibited over the possibility of not attending one of the worst concerts in the history of awful music is just plain embarrassing.

Note: I did in fact get to go to the N.K.O.T.B. concert because while my mom is a hard ass...she paid for those tickets so SOMEONE was going and it sure as hell wasn't going to be her!

And...If I had a dime for every time I've been told I was "being fresh" then I probably could have paid for that abortion myself. What can I say, Joey McIntyre is hard to resist.

This guy was easy to resist

Why am I showing the world this letter to my mom? Well first off, to encourage you to have an enormous amount of sympathy for the woman. I can't imagine what it must have been like to have a pre-teen serve me documents on a daily basis but also to dispel any and all rumors that I have any natural talent as a writer. As you can see...it was an uphill battle to reach this middle ground.

This letter also drives home this point: You can ignore me, you can ignore me in a lumber store even but if you ignore me and then threaten me with the loss of concert tickets...then I will unleash a wrath of annoying unlike any boyband dance routine you've ever layed eyes on.

And yes I'm choosing to ignore the lumber and lesbian connection and if you bring it up in a blog comment I'll give Danny Wood your phone number. He's the dyke in the backwards hat pictured above.

I'll be performing at Barracuda at 8:00 THIS SUNDAY.

Barracuda is a bar for homos and is located at 275 W 22nd St (between Seventh and Eighth)

Wedded Bliss / REALLY Salt -n- Pepa....?

2007-10-18T14:14:00.000-07:00

Well, my "weekly" blog is almost turning into an "every other weekly" blog but I'm doing my best. I'm busy! I have lots to do...like maintain multiple MySpace pages and teach my new kitten Spanish. He's really coming along.

"Hola. I'm Pete Dubie-Smith."

Things have in been busy because last Friday little sissie done went and married her Aryan hunk Matt. Lots happened. The wedding weekend was crazy and fun and nobody jumped off a balcony and died or anything. I'm calling it a success!

Weddings...a chance for your entire family to touch your hair for hours on end.

As the maid of honor (or head beyotch in charge of ladies wearing maroon dresses) I got to give a speech. It was nice and easy and I got lots of compliments which is exactly how I wish everything went. As with every thought that passes through my brain, I ran my preliminary speech bullet points by Marin. About 90% of my ideas were gloriously shot down. I believe the words Marin used were..."There will be about 3 people who think that is funny but everyone else will instantly hate you, namely your family members you're making reference to. Do not do this."

You embarrass me and I'll cut you.

I did however get a chance to perform the unedited version of my speech for the nail ladies and my sister on the day before the wedding. The nail bitches were mildly amused. (Reference point - in New Hampshire nail ladies are white high school drop outs who speak English and understand everything you say provided you don't use too many big words. Contrary to NYC where people who work on nails are largely of Asian decent and make fun of you in both broken English and full blown Cantonese by telling you your sister is better looking than you.) But back to the speech that died on the cutting room floor. Allison found it a hilarious blend of truth, irony and well placed prat falls. But in a ....the day before the wedding in a nail salon it's funny. You pull that shit tomorrow and I'm going to reassign your maid of honor duties to the wedding coordinator...kind of way.

Mr. Allison Dubie

The wedding reception kicked off with a "surprise" (I say surprise because I am a VIP and knew about the dance but the rest of the schmoes at the wedding did not) choreographed dance performed by the new bride and groom. One thing I was left in the dark about was whether or not there was a lift involved...and it's not like I didn't ask over and over again "Is there a lift? Oh just tell me! There's no lift...wait there IS a lift isn't there?" It was a mystery up until Allison took flight. I gave it a 10. And I have lots of experience with lifts.

Lift #1

Lift #2

I realize that I'm doing a lift with the same person in both pictures but I find it's best to choose a partner and just stick with them. Take note that lift #1 was done on HER wedding day. What can I say, Sarah Benoit is a risk taker. I mean...I gave a speech at her wedding too. Clearly she and my sister are living on the edge.

Here is a picture display of the massive Ho-down that followed...

My mom and one of the hired dancers

This dance move pose seems to be captured at all weddings I attend

Attractive young people

In other big news...80s rap pioneers Salt -n- Pepa came out with a new reality show called...are you ready? The Salt -n- Pepa Show. I would have called it "Coping with one particularly frustrating condiment who also causes high blood pressure but I'm not naming names...Cheryl."

If you know me at all then you know that I love Salt -n- Pepa. I loved them back then (at the time of the above photograph) and I'm trying to love them now....but it's been difficult. At least through episode 1 it's been difficult. In the years that have passed since S-n-P's glory days many things have happened. We graduated from junior high school, got our periods, went to college, got married, wrote jokes about getting kicked off a school bus in 5th grade for singing "Push It" etc etc. Life was lived. Well for S-n-P, life since their rap relationship hit the skidz has been lived quite differently. Many things have changed but luckily some things have stayed exactly the same. Thank god for small favors. Pepa remains the same terrific whore we knew and loved but for Salt it's a completely different story.

Sexy-rap's Antichrist

Salt went and found Jesus. She had her reasons why but they're too boring to get in to right now. That's why in the past 10 years, an E True Hollywood Story - Salt was never made. That's usually a good barometer of what is mildly interesting. Producers at "E" didn't think her story was as captivating as the E True Hollywood Story - Lindsay Lohan's Dad.

Being influenced by the lord has NEVER made a singer better. EVER. Seriously, find one. I dare you. At the furthest end of this nonsense is Christian rock. YUCK. I believe in God and one thing that I believe with my whole soul is that Jesus Christ does not want you to make shitty music on his behalf. That's not why he was stapled to the cross. This I know. Thanks be to God, Lord Jesus Christ. (CCD Shout out)

So...because of her born again beliefs...Salt refuses to sing PUSH IT. The best rap song in existence. (In additon to a number of other hits. It seems the only one safe is "Whadda Man" and I think she's changed the words so that the "man" is Jesus. Awesome. I love doing hip hop dances with Christ overtones)

The best moment of episode 1 was the conversation the ladies had about why Salt would no longer be performing PUSH IT. It mirrored a conversation I had with my dad some 20 years ago after I got kicked off the school bus for singing PUSH IT myself. It was pretty incredible. This is how it went down:

SALT - "You know I can't sing PUSH IT now."

PEPA - "Why?"

SALT - "Because of what it's about."

PEPA - "It's about dancing"

SALT - "No, it's about sex, stupid."

PEPA - "People only thought it was about sex because they thought we were saying Pussy."

If the woman who wrote PUSH IT thought it was about dancing then there's no way I should have had to walk to school for a week.

But PEPA god bless her...she thought there were actually people singing along - "I want you to Pussy it. Pussy it good. Pussy it REAL good!!" That's ridiculous. I'm concerned for her in the world. Someone might need to come take Pepa's kids from her. Don't worry Pepa, getting your kids taken away is the latest Hollywood accessory. It's the new small dog you carry in a designer purse. It's the new uggs snow boot. You'll totally make it onto Entertainment Tonight now.

Well it's been quite a week. A lot of memories. A lot to be thankful for. I'm thankful that I didn't get my shoes stuck in the mud while walking down the isle at the wedding (wait, scratch that), thankful my speech went over big and that Allison and Matt wanted to include me in their special day, thankful that since it will never be "sung" again...that PUSH IT lives on in my memories, and my workout mix. Yes, thank you Jesus. Thank you. Whadda Man!

The man who didn't believe I was singing a song about dancing...and the lovely bride

This coming Tuesday (October 23rd) I'll be performing on The Kevin Murphy Show

8:00 PM @Rififi (332 E. 11th St. and 1st Ave.) $5

Low-Cost Freedom

2007-10-10T05:22:00.000-07:00

Today's blog is inspired by CVS brand "all day pain relief." I have been in pain for two solid days or much longer if you count childhood. In a freak accident in the AM...I was just exiting REM sleep when Pete decided to toss shit around in the other room. As I tensed up my neck muscles while waking up, my first conscious thought was..."my neck sure hurts in this dream" followed by manic screaming. So for two days I have turned very slowly hoping no one drops a briefcase in a courtroom like they did on that episode of the Brady Bunch. Which...is complete bullshit because I could turn quickly if startled by a falling attache case or the like but it would hurt like hell. If I was that defendant on that episode of the Brady Bunch it would have just pissed me off. "What the fuck Jan Brady, you crazy lezbo?!" And I don't think Jan had anything to do with it. No wonder lesbians are always fighting for something.

Leah, I hope you have to take wedding photos while sporting a halo cast.

- Jan Brady.

My dreams since "the injury" have been particularly intense. Marin keeps telling me to "relax" and "chill." To which I reply "How am I supposed to relax and/or chill if you keep dating other chicks in my dreams?! It's stressful!"

I have always had very vivid dreams. I don't always remember my dreams but if I do I'm convinced they've actually happened or at the very least...could have happened, which seems to upset me just as much. I remember once in college I dreamed that Matt pushed me off a moving bus and I had trouble looking at him for a week. And I certainly wasn't getting in a car with the guy I'll tell you that much. If I tell Marin something that happens in my dreams she automatically returns with "How long are you planning on blaming me for that? For doing that fictional thing to you in your dream?" The average time is about 3 days.

Today we're heading to Boston for my sister's wedding. I mention this because she loves being the center of my blogisphere. And because I wanted to give burglars a heads up. I'm looking forward to it...provided I can turn my head, it should be a good time. The blend of the two sides of divorced families is not normally a party but I am hopeful. Even the Bloods and the Crips come together to decide on the going rate of crack. Right? Then surely we can all pretend to like each other for one day or at the very least allow our subconscious to take over and paralyze the top halves of our bodies so we don't have to deal with it. Right? Good.

Crack Cocaine in a dude's mouth (courtesy of google images)---->

Speaking of drugs...my show Leah Dubie's Smokin' Comedy Joint is really coming along. My friend Shannon helped me with the postcards/posters and they are ready for distribution. Marin and I took many pictures of me smoking cigarettes in front of a bodega while dodging people asking us to "stop smoking on the fruit." And they didn't mean Jason Scarlatti. He'll gladly let you smoke on him.

Here is a artsy, blurry picture that didn't make the cut but still manages to make me look cool in a junior high school way.

The more I look at the marketing campaign for Dubie's smokin show...the more I worry...do pot-heads keep appointments? Let's hope.

Leah Dubie's Smokin Comedy Joint

The Sage Theater - 711 7th Ave. (between 47th and 48th)

Kicks off Tuesday November 6th - 8 PM

Reservations - smokincomedy@gmail.com

Leah, Lists and some mild Lusting

2007-10-02T14:25:00.000-07:00

Two weeks ago...After my first blog post I was leaving the Gotham Comedy Club and a comic friend of mine (Brian McGuinness) screamed at me "Hey! Leah! Keep writing those blogs!" He didn't scream..."Goodbye Leah!" or "Get home safe girl!" or "Don't step in that!" Instead, a loud plea for more things to read while wolfing down a sandwich at work. So I will...for all the Brian McGuinness' out there. This is my Starlight Foundation.

It's not that I don't enjoy the blog writing. It's just that, as with everything I do...it just becomes something to note on a list. Here is one of my lists:

Everything on the list is work-like. If my lists looked like THIS it would be a different story.

Does anyone know where Chris Meloni lives? Because if someone knew where he lived (I'm assuming it's somewhere in NYC or the surrounding areas) I think I could develop a casual, neighborly relationship with him at "our" corner store or bodega. We could have breezy conversations by our grocer's freezer. Omigod, Chris Meloni...I also love Friendship cottage cheese. Life sure is funny isn't it! Would you like to make out for a little bit? I've got some time.

Sometimes I have extended conversations with my girlfriend's mom about how hot Chris Meloni is. Life sure IS funny.

Ok, anyhow. This past week was eventful. The important stuff being....The new season of Dancing With The Stars began, My birthday was Thursday and I'm going to be producing my own comedy show starting November 6th. Let's tackle these events one at a time...

DWTS Season 5 kicked off. It's true, this picture is not from the current season but dear god...just look at this guy. And this is one of the GOOD looking dancers.

If you know me at all then you know I have a very close relationship with this show for several reasons.

1. The Dancing

2. The "Stars"

3. The jokes derived from numbers 1 and 2.

But... I will tell you that I am a giant hypocrite because I'd like nothing more than to be on this show someday. Today while watching the TiVoed episode from Monday I was actually angry because somebody danced to a song I had PLANNED on dancing to. You know ,when I join the cast of DWTS 36. Yes I am confident that there will be 31 more seasons of Dancing With The Stars. Once I heard the first two notes of Stevie Wonder's "Signed, Sealed and Delivered" I actually yelled to no one "Oh come on!!! Fine! Cross that one off the list." Another negative check mark for "lists" everywhere.

My birthday was Thursday and there was an attempt to surprise me with a party of some kind however many factors made this impossible. The #1 reason it is impossible to surprise me with a surprise birthday party is because I usually wind up inviting people to my own surprise so even if you were originally showing up for the surprise part...in my head, you are there because you got my last minute text message and sprinted to the Duplex because I asked nicely. Clearly, I have some control issues here. I'm working on it. I have big plans to buy "The Secret" on iTunes and iPod listen my way into a life of self control and happiness. Stand by for that.

It was a good time. Many loved ones, comics and various other homies. Including these people.

That is a brand new shirt that I'm wearing. It arrived in the mail from Aunty Carol.

30 minutes later I dripped pizza grease down the front of it. Like I said...self control....The Secret...help is on the way.

Lastly, I've been looking for a venue to produce my own show and have decided on The Sage Theater in Times Square. "Leah Dubie's Smokin' Comedy Joint" kicks off Tuesday November 6th at 8:00 PM. Many, many details to follow. Just starting to book it and get the press machine rolling.

I'm performing Thursday at "On The Rocks" w/Danny Leary. It's a terrific show. Swing by, have a cocktail. On the rocks or just in a glass.

A TALE OF TWO DUBIES

2007-09-24T14:11:00.000-07:00

Hello Blog-readers,

Well I'm sticking to it. Bloggin on a weekly basis. Luckily this heavy blog period is coinciding with a slow work period also known as light poverty. So I have lots of time to write about things as I contemplate which storage unit to move my family into. A family that now includes a cat.

This is Pete. Named as such because of the slight resemblance to my grandfather. I'm not sure if Pete would rather live in the storage units on the Westside Highway or alongside the FDR. Is Pete westside or eastside? Not sure yet. I've only known the guy for a few weeks.

When last I wrote it was from the comfortable 3 bedroom Buffalo estate of my younger sister, Allison. Now, I contemplate the choices I've made in my life on pretty much an hourly basis but never more than when I am visiting the sis. In many ways she is me...I mean, we have the same parents, same muscle tone, same love of pancakes, beer and darts. But...her life is much different than mine. From what I can see, she has your typical problems - Stress of planning a wedding, the grind of a 9-5 job...contemplating which birth control to use.

I don't share any of these issues. My work life is a bizarre schedule consisting of early mornings writing comedy, days producing forensic themed promos or furiously, compulsively cleaning my apartment. Then...evenings in comedy clubs, drinking and trying to elicit laughter from strangers or at home trying to convince my girlfriend that I've been out "networking" and it's all part of "the biz. What can I do Marin? What can I do?" And the constraints of heterosexuality like birth control and wedding planning completely elude me. I'm lucky! It's not all inequality and hate crimes! There are some benefits.

This is the life I have chosen and believe me I don't want to live in Buffalo. I love the Goo Goo Dolls as much as the next girl but the threat of a year round winter is frightening. The part I can't get my head around is that Allison is living the life I left. Let me explain.

We both went to schools in upstate New York, Both had the college boyfriend named Matt, both decided that we would not return home to Massachusetts until we were in our 40s and ready to have our mom raise our children. However...she stuck with this plan. She is marrying said Matt and living in the aforementioned 3 bedroom estate that she pays for with pocket change. Buffalo is so inexpensive you almost want to live there.

I tossed that plan out the window three years after college....decided to be a lady lover, decided to live in poverty and chase my "dreams" (believe me I wish I had fewer and more attainable dreams). This is all well and good and should mean I'm living life and caught up in the excitement of pursuing something I love. That's happening... sure, sure but every now and then I DO want to return to the simple life. At least in my head. I remember the days when after returning home to find the toilet seat up and my former Matt trying to deep fry a turkey...I would turn to my friend a say..."Boys! What's wrong with them? Let's go to the mall!"

Now I wouldn't trade Marin (who doesn't leave the toilet seat up...ladies! who's with me?) or my life that I have now for anything but I do remember what it was like to go to a wedding and not hear a light murmur of "lesbians...oh my!" from Grandmas and "lesbians....oh yeah!" from drunk, hopeful men. On the flip side I don't have to deal with balls anymore.

This Saturday (September 29th) I'm performing in the "FUNNY LADIES" show at The Triad Theater.

158 W.72nd Street (between Broadway and Columbus)

$12 +2 drinks

Reservations: 212-362-2590

Subway: 1, 2, 3, B, C to 72nd.

Thanks for reading.
DUBES

POST - IT!!!

2007-09-17T09:06:00.000-07:00

Well the day has finally come where I type into this blog that I created nearly a year ago. Here were are...the first post! This is almost as exciting as the time I saw Joey Lawrence in the Las Vegas airport. Whoa!

Speaking of posts...I am the kind of girl who has "post-it" notes surrounding her at all times. I make lists from other lists and believe me...crossing this off my "To Do" list is giving me a tiny orgasm. I'm glad you can all share this with me. It's the closest I'll get to a gang bang.

I am going to try and write in this blog on a regular basis and chances are my readership will be five people deep but in the event I get some national exposure and "I Just Peed a Little" becomes the new Perez Hilton blog...I intend to be ready.

What can you expect from Leah's blog?

...well for one, pictures of things. I've noticed that people seem to like it if you say..."I use a lot of post-it notes" and then there is a picture of a post-it note right next to it. Like so...

"SUPER STICKY!!"

I can do this for you. It's no trouble really. Just requires a tiny google image search and I don't mind.

I will also keep everyone up to date on what's happening in the world of DUBIE. Comedy, kittens, sister's weddings, et cetera.

Right now I'm in Buffalo. Buffalo is a tiny city near Canada that houses my sister and her male counterpart / future husband / awesome chili chef - Matt, where it is always freezing and perpetually looks like it's 5 PM according to Marin. When I return home I will debrief Allison's (previously mentioned sister) bachelorette party, my sexy Buffalo headshot photo shoot and a fancy man named Lance Diamond. Who from what I can tell is Neil's much smoother African American half brother. Here he is in a top hat and tails...

****Also, a big huge thank you to everyone who came out to Comix last weekend for the Comedy Central audition. The show was amazing and your support was just as good. Seriously though everyone has been so wonderful in cheering me along as I work my tail off in comedy. I appreciate it from the bottom of my heart.

"Hands reaching out...touching hands...touching me...TOUCHING YOU!!!!!