Last Friday, with mix tapes in our pockets and hope in our hearts...Jackie and Anne (Mrs. Jackie) and I piled into my car and after a mere 2 hours, found our way out of this blessed city.
Jackie Monahan...fur lover.
We made our way to the Poconos, eating balance bars and talking about Kate Clinton and Lisa Kaplan the entire way. I'm kidding. Sort of. You'd be surprised how often Kate Clinton and Kappy find their way into the conversation when Jackie is around.
"Talk Kappy to me."
With yours truly behind the wheel, Anne navigating and Jackie obsessing over the Scissor Sisters (not lesbians), we were well on our way but had to make a pit stop here:
Now, I've been to many rest stops in my life but this one was just amazing. Complete with movie theater and "Chinese Massage." And because Jackie and I are 10 years old collectively we immediately start freaking out that there is chinese massage at a truck stop. Apparently to the common truck stop employee, we don't come across the kind of girls who receive "chinese massage" but rather are the kind of girls who GIVE "chinese massage." Because shortly after our gigglefit ended...a mysterious Asian woman and her pimp appeared out of the shadows of the coin laundromat and informed us that they needed "American girls" at the Poconos "Travel Center" Chinese Massage. The woman proceeds to hug Jackie. Jackie, never one to turn down a hug...allowed this dirty, diseased hug to happen. Later, Jackie took a Leah enforced full body Purell bath in the car. After embracing Jackie, Our Chinese madam then tried to shake my hand at which point I made some sort of grunting noise, flailing my body parts in a way that might communicate "Oh...I don't touch people for money, even if it is minimum wage."
Road Trip MVP
Eventually we did arrive at the "resort" in one piece. Here is a quick breakdown of the events leading up to the show that night:
-We check in. There is a 5 rainbow flag per room mandate. Fewer than expected. Self hate rains over everyone in the travel party including my "date," Jackie's mom.
-We move our suitcases into our rooms which are overrun by ladybugs. Notice spermicide next to holy bible.
-We eat a free dinner consisting of either overcooked chicken or overcooked salmon both with some sort of Velveeta cheese sauce. I am feeling good about being a snob.
-We consider an escape. I miss pretty people.
Eventually the show starts. Jackie and I each do a half hour. Jackie goes first. Leads with rape jokes. Old lesbians cross and uncross their arms. Jackie is a pro and somehow gets these angry bitties to laugh at her jokes. She had to show a boob though. Whatever it takes. I am next...it's difficult but I make the quick realization that the only jokes they like have to do with old lesbian stereotypes. I rattle off as many jokes I can about cats, food co-ops, Melissa Etheridge and making your own soap. Suddenly, they are into me.
Show ends and there is a giant dance floor that is left completely empty. Lesbians sit in folding chairs and judge as Jackie does some sort of strip tease against a wooden pillar in the middle of the floor.
It was a fun night. Karaoke was performed and a man in track shorts showed us his penis. All of our needs were met.
Originally we had big plans to stay the entire weekend (don't ever do this sight unseen) but all that changed after this event. At 1:00 in the afternoon the day after our show...the resort hosted a lesbian "Newlywed Game." Jackie and I decide it would be hilarious if we competed...as a couple. Now, everyone saw us perform the night before...everyone knows we are not a couple, or so we thought.
The game was set up like the Newlywed game of old where one of us would have to leave the room while your "partner" (literally here) wrote down the answers to some gay themed question. We cheated our asses off but in hilarious fashion (according to us). And because we didn't want to get a gang of angry dykes with hangovers mad at us we threw the game so we wouldn't win. The problem was...These women were buying everything we were selling. Asking follow up questions to clearly made up situations. Here are some examples:
Question - What is the first thing you remove when you are in bed with your partner?
Our answer - a homemade Chastity Belt
Follow up questions from the peanut gallery: "Do you wear that over your pants? Who has the key? It's homemade...what is it made out of?" It's made out of a collection of your stupidity!
Here's another...
Question - What color underwear is your partner wearing right now?
Our answer - Clear
Follow up questions: "Are they plastic? Will they melt? Are you incontinent?"
The "best" part was when I had to leave the room so Jackie could answer her questions. I went outside with 5 other ladies and they're sitting around talking about their morning which mostly consisted of going to flea markets and scowling at people when one older lady (who I was totally prepared to like because she had been with her woman for 25 years and I think that's awesome but after this I realized that they are just together because the only thing they choose to like is each other) says to her buddy "Did you see the comedians last night?" Her buddy replies..."Yeah, they weren't very good. And I would have rathered they went on longer."
I don't know about you but I don't generally like to see MORE of things I don't like. But that's just me...
There were some wonderful people at this gig...one of which was a girl who requested "Push It" (cause I do a Salt -N- Pepa joke...read the blog if you're confused) for me after the show. Very sweet. We were pals. After this comedy show back and forth began I turned to her and said..."Am I invisible? Is this hooded sweatshirt acting as a diguise" At which point the original questioning lesbian turned to me and we had this lovely exchange....
Angry Lesbian: What, you liked them?
Leah: I am one of them!
Angry Lesbian: Oh, sorry. I don't usually laugh at stuff.
Leah: Then how is that my fault?
Angry Lesbian: You look different. I thought you had big muscles last night but you don't look very muscular right now.
Leah: Well I'm glad your opinion of my comedy has everything to do with my material. Excuse me, I've got a newlywed game to destroy!!
25 years of not laughing at stuff...together.
In the spirit of not having an audience full of frowners who love cats and make their own soap...hooray stereotypes!!! Come down to my show Tonight at 8 PM at The Sage.
There are only two Smokin Comedy Joints left before a brief winter hiatus.
Tonight...these funny makers:
Adam Sank
Brian McGuinness
Patrick Camden
John F. O'Donnell
And...This Saturday I'm performing in this terrific show at Comix. All the details are on the well crafted Danny Leary flier.
Leah loves you
