When last I left you...I was holding a hospital gown over my cooch and counting my organs. It seems every one has been accounted for. Game on.
Today has been royally uneventful. Here is the very short list of today's "accomplishments":
-Lost monthly metro card (for the 3rd time in 2008. That is some kind of record.) -Paid rent at slumlord's office (He's got an office. I don't have a fire escape but he's got a nice office. I hope he isn't burned by mistake.) -Tackled challenging Evite (Also some various TV Production bullshit that I'm not proud of)
I've been trying to think of the best way to lay this next thing on you. Do you believe in God? This may be one of his gifts. I found the photo below next to a mousetrap in one of my kitchen cabinets when I moved in. I urge you to click on the photo to reeeally see what we're dealing with here.
Blossom's rejected older sister
That led to several days of looking at this....
I really don't think "opinionation" is a word. I once met a guy whose best friend married Kimmie Gibbler and that's all he could talk about. Which if you recall...was Kimmie's problem too. Mouth diarrhea. I wonder if Jenna Von Oy's bestie won't shut up about their friendship. Do you know Pat Camden? Do you....? Do you!!!
(I realize it's the Superbowl....) Along with Jason Scarlatti and bro-sis musical comedy duo Al & Patty 10:00 PM 1626 Broadway (between 49th and 50th) Reservations: 212-757-4100
That might be the best title I've had so far. Beat that Jay!! After an extended hiatus... look who is back writing blogs?! This girl!
It has been a while since I last typed my biographical log onto my too-expensive-for-a-freelancer's-sporatic-income computer but believe me, I'm busy!!! How busy? Well it's been an action-packed few weeks. Let me give you the bullet points and you can decide if you want to read further.
- I was the featured "joke of the week" in Time Out NY
- I discovered PINKBERRY
- I almost lost crucial organs by way of crazy mishap during surgery on my lady parts
Shall we start with the funny? Or the funny on purpose... This sort of explains itself.
Guard your titties
I did wind of hiding it from co-worker types that didn't know about my "secret life" and whom I did not want to grope their tits... while at the same time still papering it all over the bathroom and kitchenette. I am in print damnit!!! This doesn't happen everyday. If I had my shit together...I might have sent a blog out last week when this was still on the newsstands. TimeOut comes out on Wednesdays so if you hit up a stand tomorrow you might still get last week's but you also might not. Ooops.
Continuing with comedy related shizz (I realize this wasn't one of the bullet points, go with me anyhow). My buddy and fellow Monday night show producer Gloria Bigelow hosts a segment called U-People which can be viewed on afterellen.com or you can just watch it here in my blog. I tell a "U-People" story. I come up almost right away after the ladies chat for a bit.
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I moved recently and completely by coincidence (I did not plan my real estate around this delicious treat although if I had it to do over again...I might have.) I landed smack dab in PINKBERRY-land. Now, clearly I am late to the party on this one but I had never had PINKBERRY before this Saturday. With its non-dairy, non-carb, non fat, chemical-crack goodness but now that I have, I AM HOOKED! Holy Shitballs this crap is good!
How do you do it Pinkberry...HOW DO YOU DO IT?
Leading up to my surgery yesterday I had PINKBERRY two days in a row. Once for breakfast. There was fruit on it. Don't judge me, possible death was looming.
Don't read ahead...I lived through the surgery but it was an event. I couldn't eat or drink anything the night before which just made me nervous. I'm not even talking about alcohol, another liquid staple in my life. No, I'm talking about good old H2O. Here's some unnecessary information about about me, I am constantly drinking water. I'm like that little girl in SIGNS.
Gulp gulp. One day I'll be in a much better movie with Steve Carell.
Much like little Abby Breslin in SIGNS...I am convinced that my compulsive water drinking and lack of dish washing will somehow save me when zombies attack.
Anyhoo...cut to my surgery day. I showed up dehydrated and hungry, ready to have things scraped off my ovaries. The hospital protocol is very strange. They constantly quiz you as to why you're there and what you're having done. No doubt so they don't fuck up. All this quizzing is done by different people which just makes you feel like no one is communicating. Not the feeling you want just before you go get cut open by strangers. Eventually I got kind of pissy and was pretty much screaming by my 6th inquisition "Why don't you check the god damned schedule? I'm here to relax! I took a day off of work for Christ's sake!" Just when I had stood my ground, confident that they knew very well why I was there...a young intern approached me and blew that theory out of the water. This is a transcript of our frightening conversation.
Young Intern: Miss Dubie
ME: It's Mrs. (I don't know why I said this)
Young Intern: I'm sorry
ME: It's ok. I forgive you
Young Intern: So, you're here for a hysterectomy?
ME: NO!!!!, No, I am not!!!
Young Intern: Oh, ok. I thought that's what was on the board.
ME: If I leave here without a uterus. WE HAVE A PROBLEM!
In other words...uterus' will roll! After young intern went to go check the dry erase board. A dry erase board much like the ones you would hang outside your door in college that used to read things like..."I'm napping!" Which would later be altered to read..."I'm a whore who's napping" by the time you woke up. At this point I felt mistakes were imminent if they were making medical decisions by way of dry erase board. This lead to a mini/massive panic attack. But then I talked myself down off the ledge...then they put me under...then I woke up and checked for my uterus...Then I ate a blueberry muffin.
Blueberry Muffin-baby
I believe all my ladyparts are still in there. Perhaps I should go try and get knocked up and see for sure. Wait...like every good lesbian, I am now on "the pill." I honestly don't know what has happened here. And I've never been happier that my mom doesn't use computers.
Shows this week!! I've got em. Get a pen.
Thursday, my bestie Danny Leary returns after his own hiatus of sorts (he too got his uterus removed for christmas!!)
Leah Dubie is tough and bossy. A New York City Stand Up Comic, Writer and Host, she's been called "Smart and Opinionated" by Time Out NY. It's true. You can check. Leah’s jokes have been featured alongside naked ladies in Playboy Magazine. Her musings have been heard on FREE FM, Sirius OutQ, The Joey Reynolds Show and broadcast on a broadband channel in the back of NYC cabs. She has performed at the Boston Comedy Festival, Gilda’s Club and was a semi-finalist in the NY Comedy Competition. She works regularly as an on-air host and comedic commentator. Her television credits include Tru TV’s “The Smoking Gun Presents,” WE “Cinematherapy,” LOGO's "Out In The City" and Here! TV’s “Hot, Gay Comics.”
