Growing up I was constantly writing my mom letters pertaining to conversations and arguments that had happened moments earlier. I would have them "delivered" by my little sister and I'm almost positive I forced her to sign for them. I'm sure my mom thought she had raised a stenographer. A tattletale stenographer with a major Napoleon complex. Here is one letter from the archives. I hope you enjoy it. It has made my mom and sister howl with laughter on many occasions. On the same occasions I find myself horrified at the person I used to be while simultaneously wishing I could write them all a letter detailing these thoughts. Often we take this letter (or one similar. They all sound alike) out and pass it around the Thanksgiving dinner table...drawing straws for who gets to perform it. Again...a horrified Leah searches for a writing utensil.
Let me set the stage a bit...at the time of this dramatic memorandum, I had been fighting with one or more of my family members so much so that my mom took drastic measures and grounded me from attending the N.K.O.T.B. concert. Yes, that's quite a time stamp. Not the "New Kids On The Block" concert...nope, this was at the end of their run when "Step by Step" was "hangin' tough" on the pop charts by the skin of their rat tails.
12 year old Leah...a friggin annoying mess
Ok first of all...you should know that it pains me to see this many spelling errors in one place. And I won't even start with the syntax shitstorm. I mean, just disgusting. Secondly, the desperation that was exhibited over the possibility of not attending one of the worst concerts in the history of awful music is just plain embarrassing.
Note: I did in fact get to go to the N.K.O.T.B. concert because while my mom is a hard ass...she paid for those tickets so SOMEONE was going and it sure as hell wasn't going to be her!
And...If I had a dime for every time I've been told I was "being fresh" then I probably could have paid for that abortion myself. What can I say, Joey McIntyre is hard to resist.
This guy was easy to resist
Why am I showing the world this letter to my mom? Well first off, to encourage you to have an enormous amount of sympathy for the woman. I can't imagine what it must have been like to have a pre-teen serve me documents on a daily basis but also to dispel any and all rumors that I have any natural talent as a writer. As you can see...it was an uphill battle to reach this middle ground.
This letter also drives home this point: You can ignore me, you can ignore me in a lumber store even but if you ignore me and then threaten me with the loss of concert tickets...then I will unleash a wrath of annoying unlike any boyband dance routine you've ever layed eyes on.
And yes I'm choosing to ignore the lumber and lesbian connection and if you bring it up in a blog comment I'll give Danny Wood your phone number. He's the dyke in the backwards hat pictured above.
I'll be performing at Barracuda at 8:00 THIS SUNDAY.
Barracuda is a bar for homos and is located at 275 W 22nd St (between Seventh and Eighth)
2 comments:
leah is a genius.
oh my god... this post was GOLDEN. kind of reminded me of amy's flashback snl skit with bon jovi... did you see that? your version would be similar, but with some minor differences. you're grounded for being fresh and are exhausted from writing and dispatching letters to your mom, and doze off. instead of bon jovi appearing, the resistable member of nkotb jumps out of your poster. you're bummed because you wanted joey to show up. then, instead of encouraging you to pursue your dreams as bon jovi did for amy, he helps you come to terms with your sexuality--he can relate, having been a closeted lesbian for so long. then you scream, "live from ny..."
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